Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and
Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had
been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of
Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining
forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukkah,
as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the
agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be
replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there,"
the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens." In exchange, it is believed that the Jewish people will be
allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally
declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover
of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the
merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as an
unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned,
he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in
a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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